God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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