Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't turn off my feet"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
