Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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