i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
