Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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