i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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