I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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