Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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