I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
