Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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