So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
