You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
