I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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