How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
