Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
