chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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