Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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