end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
