I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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