the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
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