Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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