I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
