also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize