I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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