What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just gift wrapped bread.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
