So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
