Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize