You smell like a Billy Joel song
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
