I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
