no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I want a musical about memes.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
