One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
