I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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