Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
It was confusing and full of hummus
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
