i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
