I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
