I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
