My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
