You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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