don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
