If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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