And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
