I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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