How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
