Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
