So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
