new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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