god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She told me I should be a condom model.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
