I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize