I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
