listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
