Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
