Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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