my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize