whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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