Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
