so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this beer tastes like vomit already
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
