well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Randomize
