you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
